Kitty Litter
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Mastering the Litany
I was very angry and frustrated when I posted my previous entry, and I apologize for that outburst. It wasn't even interesting; it was just a long drawn-out whine with no supporting details. In short, it was self-indulgent.
And don't think it was easy to say that.
But I've had time to think things over, and I decided that this is not the place to air that kind of thing. (Rants against bad service, stupid people, yes, but business problems, maybe not.) Not because my anger was unfounded; it was, and I need to sort it out with the person concerned...but at my pace, and in my own time.
I remember that I keep making fun of blogs where it's pretty much a place to dump random musings, and here I am doing the same thing. What was in it for the reader? Nothing at all. I wanted consolation and sympathy because I felt overworked and unappreciated.
That's when I remembered someone who went through even worse hell with even worse people. I'll call her SpongeM. She can tell you tales that will raise your hackles and make you want to seize the nearest deadly weapon and go off in her defense.
Naturally I told her about my frustrations: how I was working two jobs and felt that the other person was tra-la-laing his way through our work, and so on. I was ready to confront the other person one time, but SpongeM stopped me from doing so.
She's been quietly been advising me to let things be, to keep my head down and to stop stressing over the thing. "Is it worth it? What is your priority anyway?" No, she didn't say that, but her advice ran along those lines. Her other advice was to just do what I do best. I just wish I'd listened well and remembered what she told me earlier, before I went off the deep end.
I have a tendency to brood over things like that. Since I suck at confronting people (even when I know I'm right), the annoyance festers into anger, until I'm lashing out at others. SpongeM reminded me of this, albeit indirectly.
She's a bigger person than I am, in many ways. One fault that I know I have is my tendency to let others walk all over me, then explode at the wrong moment. Fatal combination.
When I get angry, I let my anger take over me and diminish me, because I am controlled by it. I scream, do things that I'm sorry for, and feel lousy afterwards. It's an impulse problem...something which this Saturday's New York Times talks about on its front page. Reading it a while ago made me think, hard. And seeing the person I was angry at, and realizing that, for all my anger, it was partly my fault because I haven't really sat down and talked it over (I've been trying the "bits and pieces" approach to the issues I have with him)...well, it's sobering.
It brings to mind the Litany Against Fear by the Bene Gesserit in Frank Herbert's "Dune":
I must not fear.
Only, anger brings the same obliteration where I'm concerned.
That I'm not alone in this, that others (possibly even you reading this now) is not an excuse. Though my anger is justified, I must let it "pass over me and through me" so that in the end, "only I will remain."
Perhaps then I can be a little bit more like SpongeM. And perhaps then, I can be calmer and wiser. It's not going to be easy, and given my passive-aggressive personality tendencies, it's gonna be excruciating. The long break is going to give me more time off from the office. Maybe then I can try to figure out why the other person so rubs me the wrong way, and what I can do. Or maybe not. But I think what will matter more to me is the attempt to master my anger. I just hope I can.
And don't think it was easy to say that.
But I've had time to think things over, and I decided that this is not the place to air that kind of thing. (Rants against bad service, stupid people, yes, but business problems, maybe not.) Not because my anger was unfounded; it was, and I need to sort it out with the person concerned...but at my pace, and in my own time.
I remember that I keep making fun of blogs where it's pretty much a place to dump random musings, and here I am doing the same thing. What was in it for the reader? Nothing at all. I wanted consolation and sympathy because I felt overworked and unappreciated.
That's when I remembered someone who went through even worse hell with even worse people. I'll call her SpongeM. She can tell you tales that will raise your hackles and make you want to seize the nearest deadly weapon and go off in her defense.
Naturally I told her about my frustrations: how I was working two jobs and felt that the other person was tra-la-laing his way through our work, and so on. I was ready to confront the other person one time, but SpongeM stopped me from doing so.
She's been quietly been advising me to let things be, to keep my head down and to stop stressing over the thing. "Is it worth it? What is your priority anyway?" No, she didn't say that, but her advice ran along those lines. Her other advice was to just do what I do best. I just wish I'd listened well and remembered what she told me earlier, before I went off the deep end.
I have a tendency to brood over things like that. Since I suck at confronting people (even when I know I'm right), the annoyance festers into anger, until I'm lashing out at others. SpongeM reminded me of this, albeit indirectly.
She's a bigger person than I am, in many ways. One fault that I know I have is my tendency to let others walk all over me, then explode at the wrong moment. Fatal combination.
When I get angry, I let my anger take over me and diminish me, because I am controlled by it. I scream, do things that I'm sorry for, and feel lousy afterwards. It's an impulse problem...something which this Saturday's New York Times talks about on its front page. Reading it a while ago made me think, hard. And seeing the person I was angry at, and realizing that, for all my anger, it was partly my fault because I haven't really sat down and talked it over (I've been trying the "bits and pieces" approach to the issues I have with him)...well, it's sobering.
It brings to mind the Litany Against Fear by the Bene Gesserit in Frank Herbert's "Dune":
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Only, anger brings the same obliteration where I'm concerned.
That I'm not alone in this, that others (possibly even you reading this now) is not an excuse. Though my anger is justified, I must let it "pass over me and through me" so that in the end, "only I will remain."
Perhaps then I can be a little bit more like SpongeM. And perhaps then, I can be calmer and wiser. It's not going to be easy, and given my passive-aggressive personality tendencies, it's gonna be excruciating. The long break is going to give me more time off from the office. Maybe then I can try to figure out why the other person so rubs me the wrong way, and what I can do. Or maybe not. But I think what will matter more to me is the attempt to master my anger. I just hope I can.
posted by Kitty Litter at 11:32 PM
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