Kitty Litter
Monday, January 03, 2005
Hoppy Hellidays
This is my version of the standard children's back-to-school essay, "How I Spent The Holidays/Summer Vacation."
FUCKFACE
Got insulted on the 25th and picked a fight with this relative I’ve never seen before. I greet the fucker Merry Christmas at a Cruz family get-together and the fucker returns with “Ang TABA TABA MO!” What the fuck happened to Christmas spirit? My mom invoked this as a defense for the guy. My reply was, the same goes for the fucker. He should have thought of the Christmas spirit first for him to deserve being treated with mercy.
I gave the ugly fuck a cold stare and proceeded to stare at him the rest of the afternoon. What gave him the right to return an insult to a greeting made in good faith? What did he intend to accomplish? Like I haven’t noticed I’m fat? Stupid fuck.
Later I realized that on that side of the family, my sister and I come in for some jealousy. We’re two of only three? Four? Cruzes who have finished college, and with good grades. We have good jobs, and drive cars. At the reunion, there were three cars parked outside, the oldest being my 97 Mazda, which—if I may say so—is still spanking pretty. When my mom, sister, and I left, all the cars disappeared.
My mom is the prettiest in her family, and no other females in my generation compare to me and my sister, both in looks and brains. I may be fat, but I can be fat-cute. I have a loving, successful boyfriend who is also one of my best friends. I’ve never been knocked up, don’t intend to get pregnant, and I’ve never brought shame and scandal down on my family the way the rest of the Cruzes--who have a penchant for unprotected premarital sex--have.
Am I bragging? Of course. The fuckface, who was married at an early age, never got through college, still lives with his parents (along with his wife and children!), and would die to be me. Fat I can deal with, and I can try to lose weight. Otherwise, I’m pretty happy with me. Stupid, ugly loser is something he’ll have to live with. So he lashed out the only way he knew how. Too bad for him I know a thousand different ways to lash back, and this is one of them.
Of course this is like nuking the house to get at a cockroach. That is such an underrated pleasure.
DOWN FOR THE COUNT (To use a phrase from Neil Garcia, “ickypooh” stuff ahead)
Later that night, I felt a coup d’etat in my stomach. My sister and a few other relatives at the reunion went down with what is delicately called “stomach flu” (in Tagalog, nagtatae. You were warned, so don’t wince. Hey pasigraver, I’m on your turf now!). I just hope D'Fuckface got a huge amount of misery, perhaps twice mine.
I spent the night moaning in bed as poor Polar Bearball alternated between playing Diablo (okay, I know it’s a 4 year old game but NOTHING beats hack n’slash for stress relief!) and comforting me. He later prescribed a cocktail of Diet Coke, bananas, and Imodium…something which became my staple food for the next few days. It worked.
But not before I spent the night virtually hugging the toilet bowl. The only relief was remembering that last time I was ever downed this badly, I took to sleeping while sitting on the bowl. I’d been poisoned by a Burger Machine chicken mushroom sandwich (which, I notice, is off the menu now). When I finally burped and farted the next day, I knew my trials were probably over.
Too bad something else was around the corner.
STRIKE TWO: The Flu (More ickypooh stuff)
I managed to fight off the flu, which visited me as soon as my tummy went off the critical list. I wavered between 37 and 38 on the thermometer. (Interesting side note: it was only when I started dating Polar Bearball that I learned how to correctly read a thermometer. Pathetic.) The flu vanished but not in time for me to enjoy any food over the holidays. I subsisted on bananas, Diet Coke and Neozep…yes, the same thing I consumed for the “stomach flu” incident.
The cold stayed on as an unwelcome guest and is still with me.
Had enough? Trust me when I tell you I have even more misery afoot. And I do plan to inflict it on you, dear reader, so that you can enjoy your day. @_@
posted by Kitty Litter at 10:55 PM
2 Comments:
hmmm...on the bright side, you could think of all that sh_t that happened over the holidays as a sorta post-dated-barter-slip-for-good-karma...y'know, the kind that'll get you a waaaay kewl new phone or maybe a car...heck, even a major lotto win eh? ;)
lotto win or no, do hope you feel better soon
goldiegold
Hey golden girl! Bumisita ka one of these days. I miss you! Let's do lunch or something soon ^_^ basta we're both 1. well and 2. not busy. Hirap yun ah?
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