Kitty Litter

1. Street vendors hawking everything imaginable and a few things out of the realms of logic; I have yet to see someone actually buy a cowboy hat or a fishing rod or “nipple pinker” cream (I leave that to your imagination, dirty or otherwise).
2. Beggars of all sorts, from the apathetic and truly pitiful to those with admirable chutzpah (“I’ll dance or sing if you give me five pesos!” My fantasy response? “Here’s the five bucks but only if you don’t do it!”) and outright gall (raise your hand if a beggar somewhere has thrown a peso back into your face and called you a cheapskate or worse).
3. Suicidal jumpers with weird priorities; the GMA 7 billboard on East Avenue corner EDSA attracts a LOT of them, including, allegedly, the man who threatened to jump because it was "too hot to live". (Please tell me I am making this up!) You either a) gawked or b) yelled invectives at the poor S or D of a B.
4. Strange, uh, characters, ranging from the ubiquitous flashers, men “choking the chicken” in public, and those who make you stop and ask yourself, “what the fuck?” (Take the woman I once saw arguing vigorously with a street lamp. From the looks of it, she was winning.)
5. A true blue honest-to-goodness road rage-inspired fight. And you cheered the participants on or gawked or even joined in!
   

I’ve seen and done all of the above, and I am dying to see another street fight (aside from the ones Wynn and I have been in) so that I can unleash the phrases I’ve saved up for the occasion. One is “Talon! Talon! Ay, hinde, patayan na lang kayo.” (Hard to translate but “Talon, talon!” is “encouragement” hurled at suicide jumpers by bystanders seeking a cheap thrill. Since it’s inappropriate for a street fight, the last clause invites the combatants to remove each other permanently from the gene pool. Amen.) Another is the delightful schoolyard challenge, “Hawakan mo sa tenga!” Apparently, tweaking a man’s ear is an affront to his manhood. Damned if I know why.

Last week, during my dad’s birthday party, my uncle Ed, my dad, my sister, and I got to talking about the road rage incidents we’ve witnessed (and participated in). Quite a few stories were trotted out, and I share one with you now. Don’t worry, more will follow soon.

Road Rage Episode 4 (the others are in my archives, and I’ll link to them once I find them)

My Uncle Ed was in Divisoria, along that tiny road off Recto which leads into a packed alley that gives on to the Tutuban parking area. He was crawling north in what was supposed to be a two-lane road, but the circus of street vendors reduced it to one and half a road. Traffic was, as is to be expected, lousy, and one impatient truck driving lout decided that going into the oncoming lane (despite the presence of oncoming traffic!) was the best solution. As most lower life forms do when given control of a machine smarter than him, this one blocked the passage of vehicles in the oncoming lane, where my Uncle Ed’s car was the lead vehicle.

My even-tempered uncle came out and tried to reason with the meat-brained driver, who spat a huge gob of phlegm out his window and said, “Nauna na ako e, di kayo lahat ang umatras!” (I got here first; you all back up now!) He then rolled up his window and proceeded to ignore my uncle's entreaties and the deafening barrage of honking from the aggrieved drivers; his equally shit-for-brains helpers waved at everyone in the oncoming lane to back up.

Uncle Ed shrugged and walked back to his car, figuring there was no reasoning with the dungbrained truck driver. He was mentally preparing to settle in and wait it out when a portly man quietlywent past him . Portly guy drew a .45 from behind his pants (will someone explain this location for firearms, please?) and without a word, flung open the dungbrained truck driver’s door and pistol-whipped him so hard, blood flew out the door and spattered a vendor along the side of the road.

Dungbrain Driver and his helpers immediately sprang into action as the man with the gun calmly folded his arms and watched them move. Dungbrain Driver threw the truck into reverse, and with his suddenly efficient team clearing the path behind him of other louts who had followed his example, he broke a speed record backing out of the oncoming lane.

Once Dungbrain was far enough, the man with the gun turned to my Uncle Ed, gave him a cheerless and silent thumbs-up sign, and walked back to his car.

Labels: funny fights, humor, road rage